Cold and dark winter time

I live in a place which is renowned for its rain, grey clouds and unpredictable weather. I love this country. Don't get me wrong. It has made many things possible for me and I am very fond of its people, culture and what it stands for. One thing that bugs me a little is the fact that, for unknown reasons, this country has no public holidays starting from the end of August and all the way until Christmas in December. That's 114 days of continuous working with extra breaks in between, just to make the long dark nights a tad more painful to go through.

September is fine as most people would just finish their summer holidays. Still full of post-holiday glow and energy. It's not so bad.

In October, you start to feel a bit, how should I put it, unwell? You are not sure what is going wrong but you feel less energetic and motivated. You will still try to pull yourself up by forcing yourself to focus on the positives, the big picture. Occasional self helping sessions do get you through the darker and colder October days.

November is the hardest, at least for me. All your positive energy has been used up and still have one long month of bleak and chilly nights to go through. Your thoughts start to drift to the less sunny side, contemplating lots of what-ifs, should-haves and would-haves. You start to question things you normally don't think about and certainly have lots of conversation with yourself deep at nights demanding answers on why not everything turns out as planned and expected. You start to lose the big picture and are lost in details.

I didn't realize how much consolation music has brought me. I listen to music a lot more frequently in November nights. Annie Lennox and Natalie Merchant are two favorites at the moment. Like talking to old friends, their voices soothe me instantly. Life is not that bad, after all.

This year is rather eventful for me, career wise. Those events may not lead to something I had hoped but I did discover how dearly I am loved by people around me. "Friends" whom I may not have had contact for a long time all said yes immediately when I had to ask for help this year. Who am I to receive such a generosity from you all over the world? I am truly grateful and humble to know that I can call you my friends.

And not just friends I met from school/work, there are also people whom I met over the internet. Some of you  I have also met in real life. A lot of you continue to be a source of comfort and inspiration for me. My world has enriched to another dimension after knowing you. Some of you even showered me with your kindness when we met. I was truly touched by this warm gesture. I hope I could do something equal in return. Please do stop by this temperamental country.

Yes, the nights are still dark, long and cold, but I feel I am tightly covered by a blanket with patchworks generously offered by people I know.

I am so in debt, with love.

Seafood chilli spicy sauce

This is based on a recipe from Epicurious with extra ingredients added to get the flavor I like. Excellent with fried seafood (panko-coated shrimps or fish, for instance). Tested with friends and hubby. All like it.

My seafood chilli spicy sauce

1/2 cup plain yogurt
3 tablespoons mayonnaise
1 tablespoon sweet garlic-chili sauce
1/2 teaspoon mustard powder
1/4 teaspoon Worcestershire sauce

2 tablespoons minced fresh dill or 2 teaspoons dried dillweed (to taste)
1 tablespoon minced fresh parsley
1 tablespoon minced green onion

1 tablespoon drained capers

2 tablespoon prepared horseradish sauce (I use Colman's)

salt and pepper to taste

In a small bowl, mix all ingredients. Keep the mixture in the refrigerator for at least a couple of hours to let the flavor amalgamate and develop.

We like the best to dip our fried seafood in this sauce, although the original recipe did mention other dippers such as raw vegetables or corn chips. We even tried the dip with fried pork cutlets. YUM!

Dîner chez moi - 20-26 November

    Saturday: Paella and garlic flavored green beans
      Sunday: Milan Minestrone soup and hot baguette sandwich
     Monday: Paella, baked Basa and young broccoli florets
     Tuesday: Milan Minestrone soup and grilled cheese sandwich
Wednesday: Meatballs and pasta with creamy mushroom sauce,
                     sautéed baby spinach
    Thursday: Leftover from Weds, as it's a gym day and I was too tired to cook.
        Friday: Ham, gherkins, cheese, bread for hubby; instant noodles with
                     vegetables for me. Boiled green beans for both of us.

Purely record keeping to see any patterns. :-)

I like - Phantom of the Opera

The first time I knew about Andrew Lloyd Webber was his musical on Phantom of the Opera. I was in complete perplexity when I heard the music first time. I was like, what is this? How can it sound like classical but with lots of digital keyboards, electric guitars and rock-n-roll drum beats? The music is absolutely wonderful. Rich, exuberant and yet terrifying at times, dramatic this second and turning somber next. Just one sound and you know what's coming on stage. The whole show is a theatrical wonder. The eye-catching and ever-changing costumes, stage design and special effects are enough to have audience full attention from start to finish.

What I like more is the fact that underneath this gorgeous and lavishly composed music, chandelier crashing down from the opera house dome ceiling and an intricate underground waterway labyrinth, lies a very simple story.

It's a story about love.

It starts rather complicatedly as it's a triangle relationship. A young, beautiful and talented soprano (Christine), a dashing gentry (Raoul) who is enamored with Christine, and the shadowy figure (Phantom) with half of his face burnt so badly that he has to wear a mask and who has been secretly coaching his star in his heart, Christine. All these years feeling misunderstood and shunned by the people overground, Phantom finally found someone who sees beyond his burnt face and cherishes his musical talent. Beneath the emotionless mask lies a tender heart, yearning for love. And he also falls in love with Christine, helplessly.

The secret betrothal between Christine and Raoul has enraged Phantom. Feeling betrayed, Phantom kidnaps Christine to his underground hide-out. Raoul follows suit but gets trapped by the device set up by Phantom. Phantom threatens to kill Raoul if Christine tries to escape.

It's not who you are underneath, but what you *do* that defines you.---Batman Begins

Eventually he lets Raoul go, both Christine and Raoul. Phantom has learned how to love a person, the way that Christine has shown him, that true love is unconditional.

It's great to be given unconditional love. It's sublime if you can give it back.

Learn to be lonely



____________________________________________________________

ps. This is something I have wanted to write for a long time. I know that no matter how much time I spend writing and polishing this piece, there is no way I could describe fully how moved I am about the story and do justice to the depth of Gaston Leroux had intended. Therefore, this is simply a document to remind me of what I feel about this magnificent combination of music and novel.

About cooking

I started cooking for myself (and for surviving) when I went to graduate school. Away from home and faced with so many unknown ingredients, the first few months cooking alone and on my own were not a pretty sight. Burned pots, spillage here and there, items either overcooked or undercooked, never just right. It didn't take me a long time before I went to get myself a recipe book about one-pot cooking, soups and stews.

I like the idea of stews and soups a lot, even way before I knew how to cook a proper one. It brings me such a pleasure to see different ingredients sit snugly in a pot, with liquid, simmering away on a stove. When all individual flavors have all come together in harmony and your kitchen permeates with a comforting smell, it's time to enjoy. Unlike baking, you don't have to very precise about the recipes, as most ingredients are interchangeable, depending on the availability, preference and the mood at the time. The real hard work is to wait patiently while the alchemy takes place, in its own time.

As a working woman, stews and soups are great time savers. They are something you could easily and relaxedly prepare, say, in one weekend afternoon. The final product can rest quietly in the fridge until called upon. The time you spend preparing and cooking them guarantees to bring you a lot more rewards in return, as their flavor develops and deepens steadily with time. On any weekday evening after a long hard day of work, dinner can be ready in 20 minutes. Once you take the first spoonful of the humble medley, you realize that stew and soup are like two generous friends. They ask little in return and never let you down.

I like - Annie Lennox

Isn't she just mesmerizing and beyond words?

I came to know her rather late, in my early 20s. I have to thank my boyfriend (now my husband) for introducing her to me. I was hooked before finishing the end of the first song I listened, Sweet Dreams.

After that, she has been the one for me.

I once saw her singing on a small stage with just a piano on the side. I suddenly realize what a great singer is. A real music artist does not need of flashy outfits, complicated dance moves, background singers and lights that blind your eyes, in order to signal his/her presence. As soon as the first sound out of Annie's mouth, you are no longer in control of your thoughts. Annie takes over, like hypnosis. She dictates where your mind goes and how you feel. You will be completely under the spell of her voice. You try to follow her sound so closely as if you are afraid losing your way in a big forest. When she finishes her last word of a song, you are suddenly snapped out of the altered conscious state. I can almost hear a sigh inside, realizing that it's just a dream, that I was with her on a journey of bewilderment and amazement and now it's all over. She has vanished without a trace.

That's how I feel about her.

Annie Lennox - Why?




Annie Lennox - Don't let it bring you down

Personal finance

Money is such a pain, isn't it? You can't live without it but it's such a hassle to manage it.

For a long time, the only way I knew to save money was to put it away in fixed terms so that it could bring higher interest. Very safe, yes, but may not be the most effective way to make money work for you.

Then we bought a house in 2002. It's probably the best investment I have ever made, thanks to the property market boom. I see the potential of property investment but this is not something I could afford doing regularly. It needs a large sum of deposit to start with and a long-term prospect and commitment to see it through. What are the alternatives?

Investment online.

I opened a trading account today. I plan to try it out with a fixed amount of money to see what/how much it brings.

Watch this space?!

Winter delights

It never fails to amaze me how such little things in life can make me feel happy.

I like a warm shower in a cold winter morning. When the gentle heat starts to permeate from my skin to the bones, toes to the head, a smile like a little flower bud starts to bloom and transforms my face and my mind. After that, generously slather on a layer of creamy ginger body cream. I like its subtle but steady warmth provided by ginger and its earthy and calming smell reassuringly lingers on.

After that, what can be better than eating a bowl of warm bread pudding which has soaked up all the gorgeous flavors of vanilla, butter and sugar? When spooning it open, this serenely sweet smell from my kitchen concoction swarms upon me. You know you have been rewarded.

And I always need a coffee in the morning to wake up fully. Black during work days but always with milk during weekends to ease off its distinct bitterness and harshness. No rush, no clock, sipping it at my own speed and with Bocelli singing by my side, pure morning bliss.

What's even better is to know that I still have the whole afternoon and evening, free.

Have a good weekend, everyone.

我最不能忘記的是他的背影

朱自清 《背影》

我與父親不相見已有二年餘了，我最不能忘記的是他的背影。那年冬天，祖母死了，父親的差使也交卸了，正是禍不單行的日子，我從北京到徐州，打算跟著父親奔喪回家。到徐州見著父親，看見滿院狼籍的東西，又想起祖母，不禁簌簌地流下眼淚。

父親說，「事已如此，不必難過，好在天無絕人之路！」

回家變賣典質，父親還了虧空；又借錢辦了喪事。這些日子，家中光景很是慘淡，一半為了喪事，一半為了父親賦閒。喪事完畢，父親要到南京謀事，我也要回到北京唸書，我們便同行。

到南京時，有朋友約去遊逛，勾留了一日；第二日上午便須渡江到浦口，下午上車北去。父親因為事忙，本已說定不送我，叫旅館裏一個熟識的茶房陪我同去。他再三囑咐茶房，甚是仔細。但他終於不放心，怕茶房不妥貼；頗躊躇了一會。其實我那年已二十歲，北京已來往過兩三次，是沒有甚麼要緊的了。他躊躇了一會，終於決定還是自己送我去。我兩三回勸他不必去；他只說，「不要緊，他們去不好！」

我們過了江，進了車站。我買票，他忙著照看行李。行李太多了，得向腳夫行些小費，才可過去。他便又忙著和他們講價錢。我那時真是聰明過分，總覺他說話不大漂亮，非自己插嘴不可。但他終於講定了價錢；就送我上車。他給我揀定了靠車門的一張椅子；我將他給我做的紫毛大衣鋪好坐位。他囑我路上小心，夜裏要警醒些，不要受涼。又囑託茶房好好照應我。我心裏暗笑他的迂；他們只認得錢，託他們直是白託！而且我這樣大年紀的人，難道還不能料理自己麼？唉，我現在想想，那時真是太聰明了。

我說道，「爸爸，你走吧。」他往車外看了看，說，「我買幾個橘子去。你就在此地，不要走動。」我看那邊月台的柵欄外有幾個賣東西的等著顧客。走到那邊月台，須穿過鐵道，須跳下去又爬上去。父親是一個胖子，走過去自然要費事些。我本來要去的，他不肯，只好讓他去。我看見他戴著黑布小帽，穿著黑布大馬褂，深青布棉袍，蹣跚地走到鐵道邊，慢慢探身下去，尚不大難。可是他穿過鐵道，要爬上那邊月台，就不容易了。他用兩手攀著上面，兩腳再向上縮；他肥胖的身子向左微傾，顯出努力的樣子。這時我看見他的背影，我的淚很快地流下來了。我趕緊拭乾了淚，怕他看見，也怕別人看見。我再向外看時，他已抱了朱紅的橘子往回走了。過鐵道時，他先將橘子散放在地上，自己慢慢爬下，再抱起橘子走。到這邊時，我趕緊去攙他。他和我走到車上，將橘子一股腦兒放在我的皮大衣上。於是撲撲衣上的泥土，心裏很輕鬆似的，過一會說，「我走了，到那邊來信！」我望著他走出去。他走了幾步，回過頭看見我，說，「進去吧，裏邊沒人。」等他的背影混入來來往往的人裏，再找不著了，我便進來坐下，我的眼淚又來了。

近幾年來，父親和我都是東奔西走，家中光景是一日不如一日。他少年出外謀生，獨立支持，做了許多大事。哪知老境卻如此頹唐！他觸目傷懷，自然情不能自已。情鬱於中，自然要發之於外；家庭瑣屑便往往觸他之怒。他待我漸漸不同往日。但最近兩年不見，他終於忘卻我的不好，只是惦記著我，惦記著我的兒子。我北來後，他寫了一封信給我，信中說道，「我身體平安，惟膀子疼痛厲害，舉箸提筆，諸多不便，大約大去之期不遠矣。」我讀到此處，在晶瑩的淚光中，又看見那肥胖的，青布棉袍，黑布馬褂的背影。唉！我不知何時再能與他相見！

Who am I ?

I must be heading for the so-called "mid-life" crisis.

I have been trying my luck in the job market this year. Interviews, yes, but job offers, no luck. It almost embarrasses me to say that I have been working for this ghastly place (i.e. my company) for 9 years. Job interview is quite a revealing process for one self. Before the actual interview, you try to prepare a nice CV which summarizes all achievements. That's when you see whether you have been a slacker professionally or not. During the interview, you try to sell yourself the best you can (but remain factual) and you get to know what's expected of you professionally at this level seniority. So, Ms Scientist, I can see that you have some publications. That's nice. What about patents? Uhm...

I realize how much I dislike this ghastly place this year. In my life, everything except this ghastly place is what I would have liked. I am happily married to a loving and caring man. I have a great family behind me. I am living in this town which is desired by many. I am able to travel a few times a year to see places I like and get paid by this ghastly place. Financially I am doing all right. Being able to hold on to a job these days is considered as lucky, right? And I actually enjoy what I do professionally. So what's the problem?

I am not sure that I want to continue doing the same thing for the next 10 years of my life. If not this, then what?

I am very conscious that I may be at my peak of intellectual ability right now. I have a pessimistic view that my professional ability can only go down now (at this age, can anything go up? Oh yes, my weight). I am also very acutely aware of my, yes, biological clock. I am at a age which considered as a high-risk pregnancy group. Should I or shouldn't I? I know that the decision of procreation will change my/our life, permanently. For better or for worse?

That's why I think I am heading for a mid-life crisis. A fork in life, everything unsure and the mother nature is dragging me to another place I don't know. During this time of uncertainty, some buy flashy sports cars. Some have affairs. And I started a blog. So here it is. I am a just another 30 something and still growing (old) person. Thank you for stopping by.

你，聰明的，告訴我，我們的日子為什麼一去不復返呢

朱自清《匆匆》

燕子去了，有再來的時候，楊柳枯了，有再青的時候；桃花謝了，有再開的時候。但是，聰明的，你告訴我，我們的日子為什麼一去不復返呢？－－是有人偷了他們吧：那是誰？又藏在何處呢？是他們自己逃走了罷？現在又在那裡呢？

我不知道他們給了我多少日子，但我的手確乎是漸漸空虛了。在默默裡算著，八千多日子已經從我手中溜去，像針尖上一滴水滴在大海裡。我的日子滴在時間的流裡，沒有聲音，也沒有影子。我不禁汗涔涔而淚潸潸了。

去的儘管去了，來的儘管來著；去來的中間，又怎樣地匆匆呢？早上我起來的時候，小屋射進兩三方斜斜的太陽。太陽，他有腳啊，輕輕悄悄地挪移了；我也茫茫然跟著旋轉。於是－－洗手的時候，日子從水盆裡過去；吃飯的時候，日子從飯碗裡過去；默默時，便從凝然的雙眼前過去。我覺察他去得匆匆了，伸出手遮挽時，他又從遮挽的手邊過去；天黑時，我躺在床上，他便伶伶俐俐地從我身上跨過，從我腳邊飛去了。等我睜開眼和太陽再見，這算又溜走了一日。我掩著面嘆息，但是新來的日子的影兒，又開始在嘆息裡閃過了。

在逃去如飛的日子裡，在千門萬戶的世界的我，能做些什麼呢？只有徘徊罷了，只有匆匆罷了；除徘徊外，又賸些什麼呢？過去的日子，如輕煙，被微風吹散了；如薄霧，被初陽蒸融了；我留著些什麼痕跡呢？我何曾留著像游絲的痕跡呢？我赤裸裸地來到這世界，轉眼間也將赤裸裸地回去吧？為什麼偏要白白走這一遭啊？

你，聰明的，告訴我，我們的日子為什麼一去不復返呢？